I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She's the barista slut.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
