So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
