the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
