I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
