Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
