so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
