Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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