Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
