with your own penis?
If i come over, it means nothing
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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