but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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