Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
