Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
