I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
