Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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