I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
