Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
