U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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