I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
