Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
