see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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