That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Randomize
