Buhtt sex?
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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