i love accidental penises.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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