No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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