Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
