My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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