Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
