I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
