I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Alive.
So much puke
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
