The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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