Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
