I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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