At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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