I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He? As in you personified your dick?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
