My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
