I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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