Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
it was like having sex with a tree stump
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
