So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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