I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I can text with my tongue
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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