Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
