so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
