i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
And then he peed in my hair
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