you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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