And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
