I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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