ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
