Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
