Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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