This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
