I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
