I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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